No, but seriously I have dreams about famed rapper and sweater enthusiast, Drake. However, before we get into the business of my unconscious activities let me funform on the basics.
And just FYI yaaaaa’ll, the links included in the post take you to whatever crazy shiz I’m talking about.
Drake 101: MFB (my future boyfriend) was born Aubrey Drake Graham to Sandi, a white Jewish teacher and Dennis, a black Memphis-born drummer, in Toronto Canada. After his parents divorced he grew up with his mother and basically he took care of his momma and they were BFFs.
He went to Jewish day school and even had a Bar Mitzvah. Hands down, one of my favorite Drake related activities is imagining what that Bar Mitzvah was like. I like to think it was Rap Superstar themed and Drake ran around screaming the lyrics to Jay-Z’s ‘Big Pimpin’ (I gather ‘Big Pimpin’ came out in 1999, when MFB was 13, therefore probably Bar Mitzvahing). In the Bar Mitzvah of my imaging, tween Drake tells everyone he is going to be the next big thing and his white momma just stands in the corner with her girlfriends shaking her head smiling and saying, “Isn’t he adorable!” while sipping on lemondrop martinis.
In reality, MFB had his Bar Mitzvah at an Italian restaurant and the ‘song of the night’ was Backstreet Boys “I Want it that Way.” I try not to judge him for that, rather, I respect how honestly he shares information.
In high school Drake decided to have a go at acting and soon after landed the part of Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi: The Next Generation. I remember thinking I had to sneak around my parents to watch Degrassi growing up. The storylines often featured sex, teen pregnancy, drugs, and interracial relationships. My prepubescent self loved it and I now credit Degrassi for trailblazing my love for current TV trash, 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom (Yeah. Whatever.) but my heart just about broke when some a-hole shot Drake’s character.
BUT DRAKE DIDN’T LET THAT GET HIM DOWN, NO. Ever the optimist, Drake spent the remainder of his acting career in a wheelchair and on the side started working on his next dream, a Rap Superstar themed LIFE.
Drake and friends (later October’s Very Own, Drake’s Recording Team) started putting their stuff up on Myspace. People started listening. Lil Wayne called and asked Drake to join him on tour. Wait what?! Yeah. It’s actually a little bit more complicated than that but basically that’s what happened. Billboard claims Drake was the focus of one of the “biggest bidding wars ever” to be signed.
I like to think of Lil Wayne and Jay Z wine and dining Drake to woo him to their labels, Young Money and Roc Nation respectively. CAN. YOU. EVEN. IMAGINE.? Try. Its a ridiculously good time imagining Jay-Z trying to get something he wants by way of wooing. I have a hard time telling even imaginary Jay Z no, how did Drake do it in real-life?
Ultimately, the not-so-hood Jewish Canadian formerly known as “Wheelchair Jimmy” of teen soap fame signed with and became the protege of Hollygrove born former Hot Boy, Lil Wayne, and the rest is history. Now he is a platinum selling Cash Money soldier and I’m in love with him.
As previously mentioned, I dream of Drake. In the dreams I was his personal assistant and I was madly in love with him but he was oblivious to it so I just went about catering to his every want and need hoping for Dream Drake to one day see me as more than just his PA.
Unfortunately, those wants and needs involved getting girls to his dressing room before shows and drafting texts to his former fling, Rihanna. Talk about heartbreaking. Just take it from me, waking up to a dream where the man of your dreams has you write poetic love texts to his fellow superstar and hot short wearing woman of his dreams, sucks (Dream Drake dreams of Dream Rihanna in my dreams..that’s got to be some sort of inception bullshit). Even if I got a badass makeover ala Sandy in Grease I still wouldn’t be able to touch Rihanna’s badass-ness with a ten foot pole.
In reality, Drake and Rihanna didn’t work out. Apparently they got together for a short time in 2010…a very short time. He once told the New York Times that he felt like he was her “pawn” and that she showed him some “quality time” then peaced. It is even said that she is the subject of his second verse in “Fireworks”– his collab with Alicia Keys that should so obviously have been originally recorded with Florence of Florence and the Machine or as I like to call her “Mother Nature” because when she sings animals come running, grass grows in landfills, and I feel like Littlefoot when he first sees the Great Valley. So natural. So magical. I cried a little bit when I saw Florence and Drake perform Fireworks together.
BUT BACK TO DRAKE.
Like I said he wrote a song about the Rihanna situation and got his feelings out. She provided a rebuttle by way of throwing shade with Katy Perry (obviously RiRi does in fact need a Rude Boy to match her own rudeness and Drake is not at all rude). So now we can all move on and just be reminded about what could have been by watching this.
But can we all move on?
And more importantly, Drake, can you move on?…to me? Your lovelorn personal assistant? Could you learn to love me?
An Open Letter to MFB:
Rihanna missed out but I don’t want to. I have mad respect for your multicultural and multinational upbringing. I like the fact that you are a quadruple threat…rapper, singer, actor, and sweater enthusiast. And those people that hate on your past as Wheelchair Jimmy?! They just need to realize that the reason your arms look so good in your sweaters is because of all that wheelchair stuntin’ you did in the Degrassi heydey. I also respect that the only guns you carry are the previously mentioned cashmere clothed biceps. You don’t get yourself into trouble and that is THE BEST.
“Drake, to GQ, on whether or not he has a favorite sweater: Yes, I do. It’s a toss-up between three sweaters. I’d say one would be obviously the OVO Owl Sweater. I can wear it repetitively and no one calls me out on it. I have a cashmere Hermes sweater that I love. Lastly, any of my Missoni sweaters. I don’t give a fuck what anybody says about my Missoni sweaters! Fuck you, if you don’t like my sweater! [Editor's note: A middle-aged couple sitting next to us sharply turn their heads.] It’s funny because people only talk about me and sweaters because I don’t give them anything else to talk about. I live in Canada, so any dirt I do you’ll never see because we don’t have the paparazzi up there! It’s the stupidest thing, man, but I’ll embrace it. Hopefully Missoni hollers at me and we get a sweater line popping!” Read More
Like I said and like you said, Drake, you don’t get yourself into trouble and sweaters are awesome. Obviously we already have things in common. And, yes, I am just a suburban bred white girl from South Louisiana trying to ‘make it’ in the big city but aren’t we all?
What I mean by that is I think my attraction to you, Drake, comes from our shared dreams. I’m not talking about the ones where I’m a personal assistant to a rap superstar, I’m talking the ones where you left your suburban life behind, moved to the big city, put yourself out on the line and are going for it. I like that you dreamed you could become whatever you wanted and then you did it, you became a rapper regardless of the previously mentioned lack of thug life.
But most importantly I like your honesty. I like how you told us about your embarrassing Bar Mitzvah night song of choice and how you own up to your somewhat silly role (roll?) in Degrassi and how you told us all about your emotions for RiRi. And I really like how you said this…
I wish that we lived in a time and a generation where people would stop viewing my honesty as overly emotional. People always act like I spend my life crying in a dark room. I don’t, I’m good. I’m a man. I want to be remembered as an artist that gave you a piece of me, as opposed to some surface bullshit. I don’t think people realize that we die, we leave here, and either they forget about you or remember you. And how they remember you is up to you. I just want to be remembered as a poet that was open and honest because I wake up every morning and I’m me. Read More
I for one will remember you as that honest poet, Drakespeare.
Finally, in that same interview GQ also asked you who your ideal girl is and you said.
“She is very funny, very supportive, understands that right now I’m trying to build with somebody. The ideal girl is driven, working on something other than modeling or being a singer…” Read More
Now that’s great and all but I think you could have answered more simply. So let’s try again. Who is your ideal girl, Drake? I am. That’s right, if you let me here’s what I’ll do, I’ll take care of you.
And I promise I’m not crazy…